Mark…this shows one paragraph of a several page website, where I showed a guy how I would rewrite his site to make the copy stronger and much more likely to “sell” a potential customer of his business.
One of the pages, he wrote a 10-point list of “sales points” designed to make people sign up for his service.
I worked on one of the sales points:
You will see his original paragraph (Your Original)
followed by my rewrite.
Below that is the “Track Changes” feature of Microsoft Word, showing my edits.